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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

When I Am Weak

I have times I get discouraged and wonder how I will endure.

I'm not always strong.

I push myself knowing I must endure.  God does have a purpose for me no matter how awful I feel physically at times and how unreal the symptoms make me feel.  There are times when I struggle hard to even focus my mind.  I remind myself of a computer trying to do background tasks when the machine is half asleep.   My head rings loudly, and it seems to want to shut down my brain with the reverberation.  I feel faint at times and my heart/chest feels strange and overreacts to things like stress and stressful movies.
Things do not feel natural like they used to.  Sometimes I have some difficulty breathing, and I often cannot stay up for long and must lie down or at least recline (my FMS pain limits me a lot as well).

I went to the ER recently with difficulty breathing to the extent that I could hardly talk.  My potassium was a little low from my medicine.  Probably it was a combination of the P.O.T.S. or neurocardiogenic syncope and what the medicine did to me (which lowered my potassium).

I know there are people who say, "Why not me?"  when it comes to suffering.  Honestly, I still sometimes ask in my weakest times, "Why me?"
Much of the time I just keep pressing on, but in my worst times I can break down in tears. 
Believe me, I ask God to help me and even to heal me.  
When this happened recently, I remembered something from a verse about taking refuge under the shadow of God's wings.
I know that Jesus understands suffering.  He does care for me.  He hears me when I cry, and He must consider me able to endure. 

If sometimes I trip up and say things wrong, please remember that I sometimes am having to work hard to try to focus.  There are times when things have been improved.  Those times are a blessing.  As I type this my head is ringing loudly and my brain is wanting to slow and shut down.

If you are a Christian, please keep serving God with whatever ability you have no matter how small.  He has done so much for us in saving us from the eternal punishment we deserve.  He is using whatever happens to us for our good and His glory.  One day we will see the final outcome when we finally go Home.

Some people go away from home to see the world.  I look forward to leaving the world to go to my true and final Home.  I'll admit I do pray that I won't have to suffer more physically, but I must trust Him.  I need Him to help me to do that better.

Endurance mentioned in the Bible is often about trials where people are persecuted for righteousness' sake, but I do believe that some of the same principles and verses can encourage those of us who suffer physically as a result of the sinful fallen world.  Both kinds of trials / suffering are working to perfect us more into the image of Christ and make us useful tools for our Lord.  They both produce forms of endurance.  I know it's not just about gritting our teeth and bearing it.  There is a greater purpose, and I must trust Him to bring it about.

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